Questions, questions. I should be finishing my negotiation essay.

Ethics class is just supposed to be a class right? But it got me thinking about some things. Recently, I discovered a new found hostility towards non-citizens as well as citizens who are well, not original. Being in Europe really made me feel like the Westerners had got it right. They know who to put in 1st priority and who to protect. And so what if it's unethical or unfair? Isn't it a government's job to protect its citizens? Shouldn't being a citizen of a country give you some rights over others?

But then again, the issue delves much deeper as do all complicated issues. What really constitutes being a citizen? Just a title? Or just the passport which proudly proclaims the country you hail from?

I will never know what it is like to be a minority of your own country. And perhaps this has always impeded my ability to empathize with anyone other than someone who is similar to me. Therefore, only when I got to know friends who were of the same colour as me, and happen to belong to a minority of their country, a country which is so vastly different from Asia, could I really start to even think of the other side of the picture. Catching glimpses of their lives and making many assumptions later, I still cannot fully, partially or even minimally understand what it must be like to be born or raised in an environment so different, even opposite, to what I've grown accustomed to. And as much as I hate to concede, I am very often stuck in the perplexity of it all. If these are friends whom I care dearly for, shouldn't the same principle be applied to everyone?

I can't help but wonder, if laws were not as they were, and control was not as it was, would reality be the same? I can't help but wonder, would we act in exactly the same way given those same circumstances? And I can't help but worry about my own prejudices and ingrained stereotypes, whether they stop me from being a nicer, kinder person. I dearly hope that there is well, hope. Because I would like to believe that even without laws and prohibitions, I would still respect a person's right to religion and am against any sort of racial discrimination. It took me quite some time to get pass the notion that laws need not be ethical or fair and societal norms can sometimes be dead wrong. But gosh, sometimes, it is just so hard to know whether the opinions you form are yours solely or planted from somewhere, someone, distantly near.

Time heals all wounds

Today, I thought about them and for the first time in five years, I felt not even a hint of anger. And then I thought about those even further back days, and finally, peace. I have always known of the phrase, "time heals all wounds". But I always wondered, when will my time come? Recovering from a loss of faith does not occur just because of the smile on your face or the happy words you speak. Hurt exists even in the tiniest tightening of your chest when a bad memory surfaces. It exists when you feel, even for the smallest momentary second, the rage of boiled blood. Maybe a heart is only capable of harboring so much anger. Maybe, when more important, or rather, more recent events come, we have no choice but to push the older ones out. But I don't think that to be true. I think we have an infinite ability to harbor much emotion, sometimes even more than we expect or anticipate.

Even when we consciously know that something, or someone, will continue to hurt us, we can't let it go. We choose to go down the path which hurts us. Or maybe we want to stop walking but we just can't. Because unlike books or exams or machines, so many things are beyond reason, beyond logic, and perhaps it takes something much more than conscious choice. I guess time and faith fit somewhere into this equation though how exactly I do not know. Maybe in the end, all we can control is conscious choice and perhaps if we say it enough, it would become truth, not only for ourselves but for the world as well.

Now I choose to believe that as much as we are capable of holding an infinite amount of hate, we are also capable of holding a greater infinite amount of love. And I know that whatever sense of doubt, loss or anger I may feel towards certain distinguished people right now, will dissipate with time. I will no longer will it to disappear with might but trust that nature and time will do what they were always meant to do, what they do best. I know more surely now that I can be a rock for myself and that I can pick myself up from anything that comes. And that there will always be friends whom you can trust and whom will support you.

So to those who are feeling any sort of negative emotion right now, anger, hate, betrayal, failure, stress, sadness, loss, doubt, fear, confusion and helplessness, don't despair. Know this. I am okay. It will be okay. And I will be okay.

January 2010

I thought that when I came back from exchange, I would have lots of time to reflect and write a memorial of my exchange life. What a mistake it was that I didn't just upload all my photos as and when they came in and write more posts about my travels and meetings. I must must must do that one day, no matter how late it is.

Normal and daily life activities have caught up with me faster than I expected. This is the 1st time I'd made any New Year's resolution and it was not to use the words, "sian" and "cui" too much. I know that I'm truly back in Singapore and SMU when I'm going out till 12am almost everyday, feeling like I have no time to do anything and going to school on a Sunday to do projects! However, I'm glad to report that my spirits are still high and I'm keeping a positive and optimistic attitude. Although there are some doubts, fears, bad feelings and stress building up, all of which had been almost entirely non existent during the last 4 months, I know that it will all eventually be okay.

In the meanwhile, meeting up with old friends is definitely a comforting treat. Maybe it takes being away for a certain length of time in order to ascertain to whom you feel a compelling need to talk to. And to whom you don't. And at last, although I'm constantly wondering if I am living some fading, far away dream, if ever it was remotely true, I choose to believe that it will not wane all too soon.