Moving with the times

Came across this article and I started to look back at my own education and realized the irony of my academic success. To be blatantly honest, every "A" I got could be attributed to one skill in particular - memory. I remember people often commenting that the move from primary level to secondary and from secondary to JC gets increasingly more difficult. However as time passed, studying actually got easier for me because every exam merely gave me the chance to improve my skill of memorizing a chunk of facts within a week and regurgitating them onto the exam script before wiping them clean from my memory. It didn't matter that I never understood the significance of a chi square test, why trigonometry existed or what an ester actually was. (I still don't know the answers to any of these) The subject never really mattered because the process of studying was the same. Memorize, repeat, erase. I wonder if those 12 years really did kill any passion I had for learning. I wonder if I even remember what being passionate about learning feels like. I wonder about the exact moment the hint of passion flickered and died.

SMU and AIESEC may not be perfect but I cannot deny that my university life slowly opened my mind. I definitely still have a long way to go but at least I started somewhere right? Despite the changes that I've experienced during the last 4 years, my behavior in university is vastly different from that at work. From the fearless, frank fighter, I immediately turn into this cautious, quiet person. And I just don't understand. How is it I can be so relaxed during interviews but uncontrollably over think during work? Wondering if I'll say something stupid, wondering if it's an appropriate time to talk to someone, wondering this, wondering that, stressing over the little things, feeling like a leech. Shouldn't all these inhibitions have disappeared by now? Hadn't I already overcome them?

Was the impact of 4 years living in a more enlightened environment not enough? Did it pale in comparison with 12 years of being trained to fear authority and never question the status quo? Do my formative years really matter more than the recent past? Was the cause of it all being brought up in a formal schooling environment where obedience and silence were valued more highly than diversity and candor? I am beginning to wonder if my fear is really a trait of my own character or merely the effect of social conditioning which I am in dire need to get rid of.

Article at http://minnesota.publicradio.org/features/npr.php?id=128235453